Experience : February 15, 2006
Let this day go down as one of the most bizarre in my life. Tonight, I ingested a substance which was purported to contain, the “white powder of gold”. Supposedly, this is a magical alchemical substance long sought after by the ancients. The ancient Sumerians not only described it, but alluded to the fact that an ancient race of extraterrestrial beings was mining it from our upper atmosphere, and created a slave race, us, to support them in the process. I always thought this story was complete bullshit, why would an alien race need to come HERE for gold-dust? It had the sound of a silly story made up by someone trying to sell books, it made no sense.
Well at this point, the morning of Thursday, February 16, 2006, it MAKES SENSE. The substance that I ingested yesterday purports to contain some of this primordial dust, mined from an ancient seabed. Yes, my physical being realizes the absurdity of this, and a deep part of me realized that it’s simply wishful thinking, and I’m simply being duped into letting $30 more of my money go to some nameless internet company for some silly supplement. One that in 6 months time will go on the shelf with so many other ilixir’s I’ve experimented with after hearing various people, usually the ones selling it, purport of it’s near magical healing properties. Remember 5HTP?
Well, I’m here to report today of the most amazing spiritual experience I’ve had in years, if not ever.
The box arrived in an innocent and mundane fashion. Someone popped into Ritz camera, and handed me a little 6 inch cube, and made some sort of silly joke about it saying “FRAGILE” on the side of it. Erin may have said something like, “Wow you got a box from Italy…”, then said in an Italian accent, “Fragilly”. An automated chuckle came out of me. She was flying high today because she just received a $5000 medium format Rollei camera that some extremely generous Chinese fellow from Hong Kong donated to her, when a week earlier on a whim she decided to simply ask for one on her photo.net forum. She was amazed and in utter disbelief that she was now holding in her hand something she thought she’d never be able to afford… a $5000 Rollei with semi-automatic exposure controls. She was cradling it like a baby all day long. I’m SO happy for her, she is a wonderful person, as well as a passionate aspiring fine art photographer, and I simply can’t wait to see the amazing things she does with that. Today, the cynicism I hold of the human race has taken a severe blow. Like an Alaskan glacier in summertime, one little piece has just toppled into the ocean, wouldn’t it be sublime if this was only a foreshadowing of the whole damn thing finally crashing down, leaving behind the pristine, non-cynical reality which existed in my distant past?
It’s as if a spiritual potential is building, and has been for years, maybe all my life. And finally, everything is culminating in events that threaten to tear away the old, mundane and negative worldviews which have gotten me to what seems like a sad point in my life, ready to reveal once again the lost majesty and magic of a world which truly is divine and filled with bristling, giddy magic and excitement?
So, I open my box, and have two simultaneous experiences. One, is the excitement of holding in my hand a magical elixir that the ancients fully knew about and sought after. Who knows, maybe it wasn’t actual gold the alchemists were trying to synthesize for mere monetary and material gain, but instead, this magical white powder of gold, a true alchemical element with properties so unique and bizarre, they can only be described even by our own technologically inclined minds as, “magical”.
Then, secondly, and occurring fully simultaneously and in parallel to that was the old familiar feeling of sinking in my chest, which so often accompanies any grand experiences in my life. The feeling, “who am I fooling? You are holding a supplement in your hand, a mundane bottle of powder that some clever group of shysters has provided to you in tricking you into departing with $30 of your precious money by selling you an empty dream.” But I refuse to sink into this feeling. My new philosophy is to live life FULLY AS IF it’s the wonderful magical world that deep inside I so want it to be. Even in pretending, the mere act of following ideas such as this will help to imbue mundane experiences with the innocent childlike glee that I used to allow myself when younger. My world back then was a rich and textured magical place which existed privately in my imagination, but which caused all of my experiences to be tainted with magic and adventure. REMEMBER!
I even explained to Erin how I’m refusing to allow these negative thoughts of practical reality – God, I’m becoming an adult and I hate it! – to enter my worldview. Why do I feel guilty in allowing myself the chance to pretend and to live in this rich inner world of which I was so familiar as a child and young adult? What has happened to me? Don’t I remember promising myself as a child to NEVER ALLOW myself to become this tainted? Yes, I remember now! I used to see adults as tainted, lost souls, compromised and corrupted. Even the nice ones! I used to bask in the glory of my untainted awareness, and literally would do an exercise which would act as an anchor to that awareness so if I ever became corrupted, I could latch onto that anchor in space-time, and use it to pull myself free. By golly, I believe I’m doing that RIGHT NOW!
So I took the tiniest pinch of this slightly-off white powder (Bad Carl: “See, I know I was ripped off, monatomic gold is pure white, I’ve been RIPPED OFF, FUCK!”) and placed it under my tongue, and… and…. AND… Nothing happened.
No magical feelings, no opening of doorways, just the gritty feeling you get when ingesting powdered dirt packaged in a way to make you think your $30 was justified. Damn, I just ate sand!
Oh well, I’m pretending, just go with it. I left early today from work because the law offices associated with my condo refinance loan called and said we could close today. Phew! I was getting nervous that that would fall through. I almost expected defeat; it seems to be the predominant feeling imbuing my psyche over these past… 10 years. Actually, I think it has been exactly 10 years – it started about 2 years into my marriage with Alesia when I started to realize she was not the angelic, pristine, loyal soul mate I so wished her to be. Realizing that she was not on my side, would not help me in a pinch, only cared about her own needs and not mine, was truly the beginning of my grand downfall. God, I feel sick even reviewing that. How sad. POOR ME! Yeah, the futility of thinking like this. Thankfully I’m shedding that view, and this SAND I JUST ATE, I think is doing something strange…
Driving down Rt. 190 South from work into Worcester, I started feeling only what I could describe as a “tickling” of my heart. It was a giddy, high-pitched feeling which literally tickled my inner, upper chest region. Not unpleasant, not profound, but definitely there.
As I got onto Rt. 290 East heading into Marlboro, listening to the “Stardust” episode of Coast to Coast AM, possibly the first place I heard of the newly discovered “monatomic elements”, the feeling continued to grow. Shit! Something’s happening! It’s not my imagination now, but even if it was, who cares? I’m BUZZING now, a subtle, high-frequency body buzz. (I think I know what they mean now by moving to a “higher vibrational level”).
Bad Carl says they’ve hidden some as-of-yet still legal herbal supplement into your powdered sand such as Gotu Kola, which contains naturally occurring caffeine, which gets you buzzing and thinking that stuff actually works. Clever marketers!
When I got to the law office, I realized I was exactly on time. That never happens! At least not without lots of stress and hectic effort. I was calm and clear and was ringing like a Tibetan meditation bell. It was like I felt a sense of harmony, but instead of this being a word form I assign to a mental construct, my ringing WAS the harmony. Directly!
Now I started noticing the synchronicity and coincidence of the timing of these events. Within an hour of ingesting this long sought after, secret, recently rediscovered elixir, or food of the gods, or MANA, I’m signing papers which will in one fell swoop eliminate all of my financial problems which had begun 10 years earlier, and had gotten progressively worse over the years culminating in the loss of $120, 000 of my retirement fund, the near loss of my condo, the near total destruction of my previously pristine credit rating. And getting totally out of debt and back on track, just happens to be culminating within an HOUR of taking this magical powder! Granted it was in the works… but looking at it from a flow of awareness perspective, the events align in an important, synchronistic way.
Within two hours I was playing LOUD rock music, sounding awesome in a band with Dan Bunge, a drummer that for 20 years I’ve always dreamed of being in a band with. I look at him as my magical dream character who shows up in my ‘real life dreams’. We’ve recently talked about this, jammed a bit, but my discursive intellect has sort of written this off – he likes different music, he’s hard to deal with sometime. But, the timing and synchronicity of it is unmistakable. Although last week we played, tonight, a mere two hours after ingesting the elixir, I was in a FULL BAND situation, playing a song called “Bad Religion” (Hmmm, 1st I’ve noted the synchronicity of it’s title), playing loudly (guilty at first, people are always telling me to turn down, not UP). Yet, here I am, feeling alive once again, doing what I love, and just finding myself in a situation which previously I’ve had to work endless years to try to attain, yet this was effortless—it just happened on it’s own, the events building up without any effort on my part over the past 3 weeks or so, culminating in this experience tonight, a mere 2-3 hours after taking the elixir.
The bass player’s name was Mark, and was very good. Not blues based, but hard rock, a nice guy, a father. Just the type of guy I’d want if I’d chosen him myself. Now this music, Godsmack, is not really my favorite, but maybe only because I’ve trained myself that hard, hard rock is somehow bad and I’m beyond that now. It is simple, but I have to admit, it’s fun to play and gets my blood boiling. I need to shed more of my apprehension and let loose, though, but I feel the elixir is making that happen automatically.
I left my Line6 amp at Mikey’s, for the next practice. I drove Mikey down to Ralphs to see Dan play with Jason James. He’s a nice guy, a teetotaler, who looks like a throwback from the 50’s. He plays Rockabilly, and does it well, although I get bored quick of it. But tonight, I’m sitting back and enjoying it. His head seems a wee bit too large for his body.
Later at home, I’d taken another pinch of elixir in the bathroom and couldn’t believe my state of awareness. But then some bad thoughts crept back in, and I realized the sad state of myself, and how I tended to allow myself to indulge in such thoughts, which in this instant I viewed as an internal, ongoing spiritual battle.
At that instant, a cartoon playing on the adult swim network, channel 51, became noticeable when a voice on it said, “So let the BATTLE BEGIN!”
Another strange synchronicity! I took this as a positive, and immediately let those ‘bad’ thoughts go, realizing that I had the power to do this whenever and wherever they may arise. And they WOULD arise again, of that I was sure! How silly I’ve been to attach to them, and let them rule my reality! It seems so clear to me now!
Then, I meditated. All I can say is WOW! I was blown out of the sky! It was like a mushroom trip… I saw my body within a construct of awareness all around. That ever present yet hidden awareness, tore my body apart. But it was the construct – not a body. I perceived awareness without the body. Everything was different. I was HOME. I knew what death was. I died, yet nothing was lost. I let my body, the construct crumble until I was no more. I didn’t perceive. There was just perception. I can’t explain it. It was POWERFUL. I can’t believe it. This stuff is REAL. I see why the ancients used it. I felt like the veil was being lifted. I had a physical sensation in my 3rd eye like someone prying off it’s cap with a crowbar. I could travel to Ma’s house, yet had a simultaneous perception of my house – they were the same. Everything is the same. This house or that, mere descriptions added by the construct. I’m free of the concept of I and I’m!
Sunday, February 19, 2006:
I’ve been taking the powder daily. I’ve not yet replicated that first night’s amazing meditation, although I still feel a high-frequency ringing energy bristling through me. Taking the powder makes me think I’m eating volcanic ash, not the most pleasant sensation. Today, I’ve relaxed, watched some movies and not done much productive. I’d had nothing planned for today.
My meditation tonight started with that familiar pressure in my 3rd eye, as if an unseen force is attempting to pry it open. I learned a bit about time travel tonight. And how my life is not as it seems, progressing from past to now to what will happen. Instead, the white powder of gold showed me that my life is instead a continuum for which I have total access. I’m only stuck in the present because of fear. I fear traveling back because I make the beginner’s mistake of comparing one piece of the timeline to another.
For instance, I traveled back to “the happiest time in my life”, when Alesia and I were on that trip with Bo and Richard right after a Tensegrity seminar in California, I can’t quite remember which. Long Beach? Westwood? Immediately, my present body began to feel intense regret, pain, sadness. Normally, this would have totally thwarted any such ‘time travel’ by nipping it in the bud. Then a voice stepped in and said, “That was not the past, it’s simply a part of the continuum which is your life. You’ve just accessed that – detach from the present, don’t compare that moment with this one. That locks you into the illusory present. Simply experience the happiness of that ‘other present moment’ without the regret.”
And so I did. It took several attempts, as I wanted to feel so sad that those times were no more. When I did the voice kept repeating, “sink into it, but lose the regret – that happiness is a part of your life, don’t cut it off, or cut yourself off. Lose the comparisons, and have full access to the continuum of your life!” It worked, and I experienced those times as if for the first time… nearly forgetting about my body. It was wonderful!
Next, I traveled back in time to my late teens. I found myself laying on the living room couch at my old house, my mother’s. I could feel the fabric, see the pattern on the pillow. I looked up to see the TV near the front picture window and the couch facing it, dividing the living and dining rooms. What time period was this? It was now, of course, just a different now!
Again, the sadness of what will never be again percolated upward. This time the voice in my head squelching these emotions of comparing two points on the timeline, was my own. “Separate, no regrets; experience the feelings without adding anything – have access to your whole life! It’s your birthright!”
What a great lesson! I’ve done a thousand meditations, but never thought of things like this before. It must be the result of the monatomic gold. This ‘method’ is tough to execute, though. But think – we separate ourselves into the present only and we do it out of fear and regret. We fear feeling the feelings we will only feel when we compare two points on the timeline. We always focus on the bittersweet, and never on the more positive points. Like our living quarters, car, other things that have been achieved. Likewise if we project into the future, we can’t escape the thought that we are still in the present simply dreaming of what the separate future will be like. That’s two things, which is one too many. In this case, there is only ‘the future’. When we lose focus on our present body and thoughts of us being ‘in the present’, we are free to travel anywhere in time. What a revelation!
Another lesson was revealed when during enjoying waatching my 3rd movie of this lazy day. The movies I enjoyed today were Sin City, Curse of the Were-Rabbit, and Star Wars III, and I enjoyed them immensely. However, I habitually almost fell into the guilt trip. I intercepted what was to be a thought about how I’ve wasted another day, and therefore must be losing my mind. I must be out of control of my doings, I’ve let another day go to total waste, what a loser, what’s happened to me? I never use to be like this, I could have done so much with my life, I’ve got ADD, I’m severely depressed, Alesia broke my heart, I’m not the man I used to be, wah, wah, waaaaah! Here’s the lesson! I feel like this not for relaxing all day with Simon (my best friend, my Siamese cat) and some movies, but for allowing those thoughts to overtake me, without realizing they are just thoughts. If I step in and allow those negative thoughts to float away, guess what? I feel giddy like a kid! I’m all alone in my OWN condo with a magical cat here, watching COLOR science fiction (for years as a child with only a black and white TV, I thought that my world would be bliss… if I only had a color TV).
Think of how I’d experience this EXACT moment as a kid. It’d be the most exciting thing ever, totally magical! So, allow myself to travel into the past and future effortlessly, fully detached from this present moment, and I’ll have access to my whole self, not this sliver. Hugely important lessons!
Thank you, white powder of gold!